NYC Jeans Police

I'm taking a new job, starting a new organization of which I'll be president and CEO and also first lieutenant, until I can hire others to join my campaign. The mission's goal? Rid the streets of New Yorkers (and tourists) wearing horrible mis-fitting jeans. First offender spotted Saturday afternoon on Bleecker St., where a woman was squeezed into a too-tight pair of pale blue Lee (?) jeans. I let her off with a warning. Shortly thereafter, I spotted another offender: a woman with large hips wearing low-rise dark denim bootcuts. Since the dept. is new, again I issued only a warning. Saturday's third incident: the horrific thong-above-low-rise. Citation and fine were issued, there's simply no warning for that one.

Part of the department's mandate will be education (since I know how hard it is to find a good pair of jeans). We'll produce a "NYC Jean Guide" that's attached to every pair sold in the 5 boroughs, explaining that if you have a middle that hangs over the low rise (front or sides), low rise is not for you! And if you're hippy (and that's pretty much everyone except models and teenage girls), you don't want to wear a cut that accentuates that fact, even if it's the style right now. Eventually we'll grow so powerful, we'll exert our pressure on the fashion industry itself, demanding styles for women of all shapes and sizes, no matter the season or trends. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women are not shaped equal, and each is entitled to a great pair of jeans!

Update: someone sent in a .pdf citation for the police to use. [.922 KB]